Almost Unloved

Inside Cover
Almost Unloved is the story of a child one woman couldn’t keep, another woman didn’t want, and still another woman thought she needed to save.
Many decisions were made about my life in my absence and against my will. I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a sister with a voice that needs to be heard. More importantly, I am a survivor.
People will tell you that you are a product of your own environment. They will say that you cannot overcome certain tragedies in your life, but it is possible to find true grit within yourself. I am awed by how the circumstances in my life have changed me.
My story started many generations ago with two women whose destructive relationships endured trials that forged my rocky foundation. The more I understood about them, the more insight I gained about myself. It took me the better part of my life to learn that there is great truth to the old adage that those who ignore history are destined to repeat it.

Chapter 1
The Truth about Rose
“Now boarding flight 57 at gate three, for departure to San Antonio, Texas.”
It’s 6am and the overhead echo in the almost empty airport rings in my ears. I march toward the gate with a small carry on bag; consciously making the decision to leave a life that I know would kill my spirit and lead me down many dead-end streets. Desperate for my life to begin, I am embarking on a reinvention, a metamorphosis of who I am.
I board the plane squinting sleep deprived eyes to shut out some of the blazing overhead lights. I walk blindly toward the rear of the plane touching each seat covered in coarse fiber. My body is starving for sustenance and screaming to be hooked up to an intravenous coffee drip. I recently lost 13 pounds and it left me feeling very weak. Shivering from the chill in the air, I place my bag in the overhead compartment. Strategically, I try to settle into my seat in my worn out jeans and Red Socks tee shirt.
I wrap my long blond hair up into a ponytail and lean my head against the window just above the left wing. The cold glass feels good against my forehead as my light green eyes glare out at the misty gray fog blanketing the runway. I let my thoughts drift off as I think about how coincidental this whole situation is.
Here I am, at twenty-one years old, making the same leap of faith that my mother did at this exact age just one short generation ago. Both of us making the decision to live a better life the only way we know how…by escaping to a new one. My mother’s journey is still fresh in my mind as I take my thoughts back to the time before my birth.
It is a very bitter snow-covered morning in 1956 at the train station in Chicago. The air is crisp and has a distinct smell of coal oil lingering in the atmosphere. Rushing porters and passengers step lively through the billowing white smoke creating a feeling of excitement. My mother Rose and her two children weave through the midst of the crowd struggling with bulky bags in hand.
A porter hurries up to Rose and asks, “Can I help you with your bags, ma’am?”
She stops for just a second and says, “No, thank you Sir. We’re doing fine,” as she continues on her way. Rose’s steps are deliberate and purposeful as though she has no choice but to move.
As the porter watches the beautiful woman with the long dark wavy hair and shapely legs disappear into the crowd, he recalls her sparkling green eyes and bright smile.
Rose and her children carefully board the train for a two-day trip to San Diego. After trudging to their seats, Rose removes an old blanket and a few small well-worn toys before stuffing their belongings into the overhead. Rose removes her multi-colored woven scarf and her fur-lined brown trench coat and covers her two small children to protect them from the cold. Kenny, five holds tight to a special train while Kathy, two, squeezes dolly with all her might.
Taking her seat, she sighs heavily as she loosens her clothing while staring out of the gritty train window while her mind ponders on the betrayals, secrets, and lies that would inevitably force her to make one of the most difficult choices of her life.
Completely exhausted, Rose closes her eyes to rest, keeping the tears inside the iron cage that has become her protection from a world dictated by her family. Her entire life she’s tried to learn how to live by the strict Christian rules that her family insisted upon, while still baring the invisible emotional and physical scars of her childhood.
Her father Charles is an expressively barren man, even though he is a deacon in the church. Growing up without any real emotional presence of a father has its downfalls. The father should teach his daughter how a man should love her. He should show her how to hold respect in high regard and how to love herself through approval and praise. However, this is not how Charles raised his children. His law was, “The Law”, and his children weren’t going to be disobedient heathens. For they knew all too well about the stinging welts that came from the harsh blows of his razor strap.
Her mother Mabel is a stout woman who, at times, was consumed with hostility toward her children. Raised with a sense of duty and without the warmth of a Mother, Mabel’s cruel heart and depression overcame her children like an infection that engulfed them as time passed. Rose would not know until much later that it was because of the isolation her mother endured as a child. Mabel works diligently in the church and, by all outward appearances, is the good-natured preacher’s wife. However, Rose knew this to be just a façade.
My mother Rose, the oldest of five, was responsible for her siblings and as such was Mabel’s scapegoat. Many times, without justification, she often bore the burden when the other children would not do as they were told.
By age eleven, the lack of affection in Rose’s home sent her fleeing in search of love in all the wrong places. Older guys were more understanding, but they had sexual needs that Rose wasn’t emotionally ready to handle. At age fourteen, she found an older, yet youthful, man who made her world a more bearable place to live. When she was with him, she felt a deep sense of worth and love.
Unfortunately, when Rose’s parents found out about the relationship, they sent her to a house for wayward girls. Rose learned no lessons there except to be crafty about her affairs. Her parents had no clue how to deal with such a promiscuous and “defiant” girl.
To try to thwart Rose’s attempts, her parents beat her into submission on many occasions. At age sixteen, she came home after a date with a guy she’d been seeing. He reached over to kiss her goodnight before she went inside, but little did she know that her mother watched from behind the curtain in a seething rage.
Rose was humiliated when her mother stormed out onto the porch screaming, “You little tramp! You get in this house right now! You’re nothing but a whore!”
That little kiss cost Rose the heavy piercing pain of a chair being broken over her back. Resentment and anxiety set like concrete deep within Rose’s heart against her parents. She had no choice but to leave.
Rose awakens to somebody that bumps her seat while going down the small passageway on the train. She looks down at her sleeping children beside her and rubs her swollen belly. Cuddling them closer, she repositions herself. Her eyes well up with tears as she gets a lump in her throat, and one single tear slowly trickles down her left cheek. What will I do if I lose my babies? I know they will take my kids if they find out.
Rose was so proud of the way her children had gone through everything with her. They were so strong. Her children depend on her, and for this reason, she continues to find strength when she just has no more to give. Rose married at sixteen when she got pregnant with Kenny, but soon realized she had only moved from one room in Hell to another.
She came to know her new mate, Tom, as her warden. At eighteen, he was a short, stocky man with broad shoulders, dark hair, and penetrating blue eyes. Rose saw him as a man with the kind of strength that was overpowering in a protective way, but it wasn’t long before she realized this power was driven by her self-indulgent mother-in-law, Janice. Through him, Janice degraded Rose and dictated how their house should look and what clothes Kenny should wear. She never missed an opportunity to make comments to Rose about being self-centered if she needed something for herself.
Tom wouldn’t allow Rose to get a job, but needed more money to support his family so he joined the Air Force. However, his fondness for alcohol made his temper progressively worse as he drank more and more to hide his lack of self worth and inability to be the man of the house. The military eventually sent him home with a dishonorable discharge that he would never overcome. This only facilitated his drinking problem, and he became a full-fledged alcoholic. Rose persuaded him to get some help in the sanitarium shortly after she discovered she was pregnant again. To her dismay, after his discharge, he turned to the bottle again and brutally beat her. He was arrested and forced back into the sanitarium.
Before his release, Rose had moved in with her parents, got a job at a diner, and threatened him with divorce if he ever laid a hand on her again. He worked hard to fool her into thinking that he had become the person she expected. And for a few months, he was. Ironically, he became a salesman which was a good occupation for him. He was a manipulating con man and had a smile that could convince anyone he was telling the truth. Rose believed he’d changed, and for the sake of the children, eventually took him back, but she would never be totally dependent on him again.
Rose succumbed to living within the parameters of her husband’s and mother in law’s control by the time their second child was born. This child was a gorgeous little green-eyed girl named Kathy. As each child was born, it became increasingly difficult for Rose to think about leaving Tom.
It seemed like second nature for her to be pushed around and punched black and blue by her warden. Even during her pregnancies with Kenny and Kathy, there were some very narrow escapes. He often drank himself into an evil rage, but this still didn’t sway his mother from his side. Her son was always right no matter what the situation.
According to her mother-in-law, Rose was inadequate as a mother and worked entirely too much to spend time with her own children. The children often stayed with Janice, which subjected them to nasty comments about their mom all day.
Though Rose welcomed the quiet times when Tom was in the tank, he always came back to torment her. Yet she dare not leave, because her mother-in-law forced her loyalty. Janice ensured that she would never leave her son again by using her own grandchildren as leverage. Rose replayed the threats in her head. If you even think about leaving my son and taking those kids, I promise you will never see them again. Her children represented the only goodness in her life. Where could she run? Saturated with submission, she ran on autopilot to be the good little wife.
Nevertheless, the power of Janice’s threats couldn’t compare to her innate survival instincts to protect her children. As Tom got weaker in the choke hold of the bottle, Rose gathered the strength and courage she needed to escape. She took in some sewing from the neighbors and started canning fruits and vegetables for some extra cash. Despite Janice’s ranting, it wasn’t hard for people to see that she was a devoted mother who worked hard to supply the needs of her children.
Unfortunately, Rose never finished school, so during the next couple of years, she was a waitress by day, and became the first female taxi driver in downtown Chicago at night. Her children gave her emotional strength to forge toward the future. She planned cautiously toward their future, stashing away a penny here and a penny there.
Tom’s inability to support his family was only surpassed by his incapacity to love his wife and hold his children. Even though she’d made up her mind about leaving, she was losing herself in the daily battle to survive and never enjoyed the fruits of her labor. How long would she have the inner strength to keep going? She knew she had to move soon, or she would die at the hands of her abusive husband.
One very hot humid day in the summer 1955, Rose was cleaning a table when she glanced up at the tall, broad shouldered stranger with wavy, sandy colored hair. He stood with confidence in his worn out jeans and boots as if he just stepped out of an easy-rider magazine. A rebel with an aura of adventure about him that she can’t resist. His name is Carl and at twenty-one, he is a year older than she. Their eyes meet, and she feels something she hadn’t felt in a very long time, a longing passion to want to be somewhere else, anywhere else, with him.
Over the next four months, they spend every minute together. He’d pick her up after her shift at the restaurant just to hang out in the park. All the things Rose so desperately needs to hear flows from his mouth while he romances her with flowers and free lunches. Rose has found adventure on the back of his motorcycle, laughing and feeling carefree when they are together. He is the one man in her life that makes her feel special. Carl is her solace and escape from the pressing, redundant drudgery that is her life. Finally, she would get her chance to live a purposeful life, and be the beautiful, creative Rose that blooms amongst the weeds of her past.
September leaves start to fall and a chill filled the air with every breeze. The change in season brings forth other new developments that both excite and agonize. She is going to tell Carl she’s having his baby. Rose feels a glimmer of hope with a man that gives her warmth and strength. She had come to know hands of protection and not pain as his strong arms keep the world at bay. Carl will be a great daddy, and her children will grow up knowing how a man is supposed to raise a family. She reasoned that this child was a message from God, that this would be her escape from brutality. Surely, this must be a sign.
One brisk morning in September, Rose got the kids wrapped up warm for Janice, and dressed for work as usual. She spent a little extra time on her hair and even put a little rouge on her cheeks. Her heart raced at the prospect of telling her rebel the news. Later that day, Carl stepped into the café as he had many times before carrying his helmet. Rose still felt the goose bumps on her skin and the warmth in her heart after all these months.
She took him aside, hugged him, and whispered in his ear, “I love you very much, and I’m going to have our baby.”
Not a moment of silence went by when he pulled her away, “How could you let this happen? How could you get pregnant? What are you thinking?”
Rose sensed a familiar voice in what she heard. This wasn’t her Carl. Why would he act like this? Why would he say these words?
She looked at him, surprised, and in a shaken voice she said, “I thought you loved me.”
Carl looked down as she placed her head on his shoulder. He seemed to snap out of it abruptly and pushed her away. “I am married. I can’t be with you. We were just having fun. I thought you understood that?”
“How could you lie to me?” Rose cried, “You said you loved me. You led me to believe that I was the only one for you. You said there was no one else, how could you…?” She was devastated.
He looked away with a cold stare out into the distance. “Did you really think I wanted to raise some other guy’s kids? Look, you need to take care of it.”
Anger consumed Rose. She raises her hand to strike at him thinking this will take the sting out of her heart, but his reflexes are quick, as if he’d been here before.
“Here, take this money and do what you have to do, but leave me out of it and don’t bother me with this again.” He said shoving a wad of bills into her trembling hand. He got on his motorcycle and rode away.
Rose was numb and people were staring at her. She couldn’t feel or hear anything. Her mind was oblivious to her surroundings. Turning toward the storage room, tears fell to the floor as she tormented over thoughts of what did you expect? Isn’t that the way life is? Did you really think happiness was possible for you? Lucid thoughts came seeping through her sadness. She had two children, and even though she had separated from Tom, she was still married. Her heart didn’t want to believe she was destined for loneliness and abuse. And what about the new life inside her. No, he’s just scared. I have to try again.
A week had passed and Rose found herself standing at the door of a small brick house in Arlington Heights, on the outskirts of Chicago. She didn’t know what she would say to him, but she had to make some sense of what had happened. She knocked and his wife, visibly round with child, answered the door. Rose wasn’t surprised to see another woman standing there after what Carl had told her.
“Is Carl home?” Rose asked.
His wife answered in a cold voice, “I’m sorry, he’s not here right now, what do you need?”
Rose stuttered as she said, “I know Carl from the diner. He comes in and sees me all the time. I just need to talk with him about something private.”
She looked at Rose with a pathetic glance, “I told you he’s not here, and I don’t take kindly to other women talking with him in private, so don’t come back.”
The woman slammed the heavy wooden door in her face. With tears welling up in her eyes, a piece of her heart melted as each teardrop hit the ground. She turned and slowly walked away. Rose walked the streets of Chicago in a daze with tear-stained, blurred eyes. How could he just turn his back on me like that? What drives a man to cheat on his wife while she’s pregnant? She needed some time to think about all this.